My heart is so confused. Last night he told me, that for this whole time he was with me, he has never been happy. My heart totally sank after hearing that. What have I been fighting for, and holding on to all these while? For someone who has never been happy with me? What’s worse, he said that he hasn’t been himself all these while. After hearing all those, I really felt like letting go. If keeping you by my side, you lose yourself and your happiness, then I’d rather let you go. Because I love you, I’d rather you go out there and find someone who can give you the happiness that you want.

Suddenly, everything that I’ve built, everything that I worked so hard for, seems to be so fake. This whole deal seems so unreal. It felt like, you met me, you wanted me, you put up a false front to get me, you got me, now you’re sick and tired of it, and you start telling me you couldn’t be yourself. How should I feel? Who’s the real you then?

You said you have been controlling yourself and that’s not even you. I can tell you, that’s not it. I can totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been through it and really, that’s not it. I was just like you, in the past. In fact far worst. And after everything I’ve been through, I come to realize I was wrong. I was just too stubborn to see anything else. I claimed that I was losing myself too, but it was just too selfish of me. I never spared a thought for the person who loved me. In the end, the person I lost wasn’t myself, but the person who loved me unconditionally. And, it’s not worth it at all.

So I changed. I’m no longer the person I used to be. Of course, I’m still myself. Why would I not be? But I’m just a better me. Looking at you now, it’s just a mirror image of me in the past. If you can only learn from your mistakes after you lost someone who loves you so much, you would have to face regret your whole life.

When you truly love someone, you would always want to become better for that person. That person would be able to bring out the best in you. It’s not about changing someone, it’s about improving yourself. Those people who insist on not changing and all, it’s just bullshit. How can you improve if you don’t change?

When we first started out, you loved me, you cherished me. You didn’t do the things that I didn’t like, it’s because you love me. You used to tell me, you’re doing it willingly. It was all for love. And few months down the road, when we start to fall into comfort zone, and everything’s not that new and fresh anymore, you start to get tired of it. You nit-pick every single mistake and errors in the relationship. You start finding excuses like you’re becoming someone else, you’re not yourself anymore. Actually you know that’s not the case. At the start, you were willing to put in whatever you had, willing to sacrifice for love. But when things start going wrong, all the negative thoughts starts pouring through your mind. The zest you started out with died down, you weren’t that willing to put in the same amount of effort anymore. You get thoughts of giving up every now and then. You try to brush it off but you kept asking yourself if it’s still worth it, if I’m still worth it. When there’s no more willpower, the whole relationship will start to go downhill. Until there’s no turning back, the relationship can’t be salvaged.

That’s very common in relationships. When people start to get too comfortable with each other, they get bored of each other, they get sick of each other’s imperfections, they forgot the enthusiasm they had at the start, they forgot the reasons why they fell in love in the first place, and they begin to put in less effort. In a relationship, you’ll get how much you put in. Couples who grew old together, I’m sure it’s not as easy as it seems. They obviously have their fair share of quarrels and arguments too. But what’s most important, is that they never gave up on each other no matter what. They never stopped fighting for their happiness. They never doubted their relationship, and they overcome everything together hand in hand.

I don’t know how to handle this. You said our thinking is too different, that’s why I do not want to push you any further. But I don’t know what to expect anymore. No matter what you do, you know I’ll still be here. I just hope this persistence of mine doesn’t steer us in the wrong direction.

Honestly speaking, I cannot calm down anymore. My heart is already so heavy, so torn and shattered. Just not long ago, we promised to work together so that we will become better. I didn’t even have time to heal my wounds, and now you’re driving me crazy again. How long more can I take this? I’m afraid one day I’ll just break down, and by then, nothing ; nothing you do is gna bring me back again. The person I am now will just disappear, forever.

Why? I really want to slap myself for being stupid. Again and again, these questions keep reappearing in my head. Why did I trust him, why did I believe him? Why am I so foolish?! I can’t control myself anymore. When emotions take over me, there’s no guarantee what I’d do to bring myself back, to release all these pain inside of me. It hurts, it really does. This pounding in my chest, it can’t stop. What can I do to make it go away.

It’s so painful that I forgot how to feel anything else anymore. I just want to kill myself for letting myself get hurt again. I need to do something, to make me feel real again.

我真的很累很累，真的很想转身走掉；因为你似乎不怕失去我。

乌云遮蔽了天空
窗外又是阴雨时候
伞下的恋人中
不再有你我手牵手