Friday, August 17, 2012

 

And there again, that’s another dilemma. I do not want to, but it hurts.

[♥ clarice] danced at 6:56 PM

Thursday, August 16, 2012

 

“Dreams, that's where I have to go to see your beautiful face, anymore.”

Damn, damn boy you do it well. And I thought you were innocent
You took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I'm a boomerang doesn't matter how you throw me
Turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you

“If you ask me how I'm doin I would say I'm doin just fine.
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.”

I miss you, but I can’t have you. Although I can’t have you, it doesn’t mean I have to stop missing you. I’ll have to live with the fact that you’re not here in my life anymore, I’ll have to live with the fact that you no longer want me in your life.

And everything in life is happening as it should. I shall bear that in mind.

I’m always here.

[♥ clarice] danced at 2:45 PM

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Running a fucking fever now and it feels damn terrible. I hope my temperature will increase and burn my fucking brain. Burn away all these thoughts of you and let me forget everything.

I hate fevers. I need a goddamn hug.

[♥ clarice] danced at 10:10 PM

I don’t understand how he could move on and walk away so easily. It hurts because I loved you so much. It hurts because I believed you’d never give up on us. It hurts because no matter what I did, you refused to look at me anymore. You were the one who came along and made me fell for you, how could you. I was the girl who promised to always be here for you as long as you never stopped fighting for us. But now, you know how’s it feel like to love someone who gave up on you first?

I want to beg you to stay, I want to hold on to you and make things right. I want to make things right. I really do. I want to ask you to come back to me, let me love you again. I want to make you believe that it won’t be the same if we do things differently. I was trying, and then your words hit me. On that very night, you told me you have already given up, you told me you’re not even sure whether you love me anymore.. How could you just stop loving someone that easily…

Now I just feel like a fucking fool. For loving you all these while when you were walking away. I followed behind you, step by step. But you never turned back. I carried all these pain, hurt and tears while you distant yourself from me.

I stopped walking. I watched you walk away. I called out your name, I begged you to stop, but you wouldn’t hear my pleas anymore..

[♥ clarice] danced at 1:05 PM

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

[♥ clarice] danced at 2:28 PM

 

It’s time for me to go. I can’t be stuck here anymore. All these things that I miss, so fictitious. I should quit living in this illusion. Gna have to stop trying to fix all these broken things, I’ll leave it behind, let it go, and free myself. I’m gna be happy, learn how to be happy all on my own. And then, I’ll create something better.

Can we start all over again ; right from the very beginning?

 

my name is clarice…

[♥ clarice] danced at 2:02 PM

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Some people don’t find it enough to love someone who loves them back, they want something more, so they leave to find something better. I really don’t know what is more important. To have someone who would love you and stand by you no matter what, or to have someone with that perfect character you could get along with? Of course, we’re all wishing they would be the same person. But in love, it’s not about finding the perfect person. How then do you decide who you can love for the rest of your life? Once two people falls in love, does it mean they can be together forever as long as they don’t stop fighting for each other?

Love itself, is a very subjective thing. And to evaluate love so rationally as human beings, is just plain impossible.That’s why people choose to follow their hearts, instead of their minds.

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. All these values that I stood by, things I used to believe it…how I painted my own pretty little picture of love and believed in it.. They all betrayed me. That pretty little picture, has become a dark and repulsive picture all painted in shades of grey. Used to believe if I kept on fighting for the things I care about, as long as I don’t stop trying I would be able to keep them by my side. But that’s not true anymore..

You took away everything that I believed in, took away my hopes. It’s not only about love, but about the better me that I have been struggling so hard to become.

You broke my heart, and I don’t know why I’m still loving you with all the little pieces.

[♥ clarice] danced at 8:29 PM

Really, somebody tell me ; just how can I numb all these pain. Every fucking morning, it’s the same fucking feeling, the same fucking pain. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I need to go, I need to fucking lift my foot and go. I need to fucking stop being stuck here.

How more frustrated can I get with myself? Can I just be that cold blooded person once again?

Fuck love. Fuck you. Fuck the fact that I love you. I do.

[♥ clarice] danced at 1:39 PM

Saturday, August 4, 2012

 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

有时候我会 感觉非常累
有时候也会 不知觉把你拖累
你有时会说 我们不配
只要能依偎
真的真的我什么都无所谓

也许黑永远不明白
在这个彩色的世界
有你我才会存在

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

[♥ clarice] danced at 3:42 PM

Is this the fourth or fifth Saturday? I can’t remember anymore. Just solved the most recent problem of mine, with more money forked out. Great. My problems just had to come crashing all at once.

I feel kinda weird right now. Is it pure coincidence, or God’s working his ways? I almost suggested heading down there last night, but funny, something stopped me from voicing out. Good thing or bad thing? I’ll never find out, but I’ll stick to believing its for the best interests of me.

Days are passing, without him here by my side. Will I get used to it someday? And when would it be? Everyday I wonder, about how he’s doing.

& those who left in the end, were always the ones who promised that they wouldn’t.

[♥ clarice] danced at 3:30 PM

 

I don’t want to forget you. But remembering what used to be, is killing me.

[♥ clarice] danced at 1:40 AM

Friday, August 3, 2012

For the past few days I have been fighting an internal war with myself. Kept trying to tell myself not to miss you, kept trying to tell myself to forget all of us, to move on. But I think I’m gna have to stop doing that, because it’s really tiring and tormenting.

If I can’t forget, then I won’t. If I miss you, then so be it. I’m not gna try to force myself to do something that I don’t want to anymore. I’ll live with it. After all, the reason why this ring is here is not to remind me of the pain, but to help me get through every single day without you.

& the only reason why I can’t move on, is because I don’t want to.

[♥ clarice] danced at 2:25 PM

 

 

“Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.”

[♥ clarice] danced at 1:26 PM

Thursday, August 2, 2012

We are all afraid of change, because we’re afraid of turning into somebody we’re not. But when someone called me stubborn today, I realize perhaps we don’t actually change into another person. Because we can’t.

I used to be very stubborn, and that trait of mine really did cost me a lot. Now that I thought I have changed, I have, and I haven’t. How so? It dawned upon me that I was still as stubborn as ever, but my mindset changed. I’m stubborn for different things now. I’m cautious not to let this trait of mine cause me anymore regrets, cautious not to make the same mistakes again.

But me, I’m still stubborn. Because I’m still stuck here missing you, when it’s time to go.

[♥ clarice] danced at 1:31 AM

 

 

 

Everywhere I go, I see shadows of us, shadows of what we used to be.
Wandering on the streets, it feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare
Hoping that one day you’d come and wake me up, tell me that you miss me.
But it’s a nightmare I can’t get out of.

[♥ clarice] danced at 1:12 AM

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

[♥ clarice] danced at 1:25 PM

Woke up early in the morning, and I can already feel the prick in my heart. It was so immediate, I wish I could just sleep on for hours, for days, for months ; hoping that one day when I wake up, the ache would no longer be there. My brain, my whole body mentally shut itself down without any warning, I can hardly bring myself to do anything.

After all these years, always hiding myself in that little box of mine, I decided to step out and live life outside my box. He never knew, he never understood. He always said this was the me that he has ever known. First time out in the world, everything being so strange and peculiar to me. Situations I met, now I have to handle it differently, which sometimes led to me being a little awkward. He thinks that I do not appreciate the things he does for me, I do. But being this awkward me, I never really knew how to express my appreciation.

I used to live in a world of my own. Never bothering about what society thinks, never bothering about anyone else around me, not even the closest of kin. I wasn’t filled with the slightest bit of care towards anything at all. My defense was so strong that I never cared about whether others got hurt, I just had to ensure that nobody steps foot into this little box of mine.

Ever since my last break up, everything changed. I met him, and for once in my life, I decided to try to break free from that box. I put myself out there, wanting and trying to care. I got torn apart from trying too hard, but I never stopped trying. Always brimming with hope. Again and again, no matter how many times I fell, I told myself I had to get back up on my feet. For myself, for us. I guess the day I made up my mind to get out of the box, I thought he would always be here beside me. Guess he couldn’t accept me, or I didn’t try hard enough.

Now, I’m like a lost child who can’t find my way back home. Everything around me feels so unfamiliar. I just want to go home, back into that little box of mine. But I can’t find my way. I’m tired, scared and scarred. I don’t know how to move back, or move forward. I threw myself out there just to get ripped apart and abandoned. I lost the hope and spark in me that I no longer know how to retrieve. People always tell me to think positively, yeah. It’s easier said than done. After more than 10 years hiding myself away, I came out, witnessed and experienced the cold, bitter truth of society and humans. I can’t break free from my past that easily, I needed more time. I begged him to stay, I did.

I sit in front of my screen with a heavy heart. I should be doing something else right now. I’ve been pushed over the edge, I lost too many things recently. I no longer want to be that person who’s so trusting, so believing, always so filled with hope and ready to try again. That was what I was willing to do for love. And love failed me, yet again. I lost everything, that meant everything to me. What do I have left? I’m just an empty shell.

[♥ clarice] danced at 12:23 PM

I don’t know what else I can do, besides writing and writing and writing. There’s just too much emotion in me, too much I have to say. This time, it’s not because I don’t wanna tell you directly, it’s because I don’t have the right to anymore. I miss you, and I still will in the days to come as I foresee. Walk through everyday with a mask on my face, and as night falls, the piercing pain surfaces and all the thoughts that I’ve been trying so hard to shun will come running through my mind. I might try to pen down my emotions, or I’ll just cry myself silly.

I know it’s all pointless now. I stare at the mirror as my fingers run through those words carved on my skin, a constant reminder for me to live by. I’m not dead yet, but this is almost killing me. I have no idea how I’m gna survive this, it has never hurt this bad I swear. Maybe it’s because there are so many things left unfinished. Words… Questions… And that little bit left of my heart that still longs for you.

I wish I could tell you goodbye, smile and walk away, wish for the better of us, and just move on. There’s just something inside of me, something I really can’t explain, something that doesn’t allow me to go.

Thank you for your warm hugs, thank you for the many times that you waited for me to finish my dance and sending me home, thank you for buying stuff over to my house when I wanted them, thank you for making honey lemon for me when I was sick, thank you for worrying that I couldn’t cope with exams and dance, thank you for taking the time to coach me in my studies, thank you for making an extension cable for my iPhone so it would be more convenient for me, thank you for putting up with all my unstable emotions and mood swings, thank you for all the sweet little things you’ve done for me.

I wish I could still be holding you.

[♥ clarice] danced at 12:23 AM

 

 

Baby I was stupid, for telling you goodbye.
Maybe I was wrong for, trying to pick a fight.
I know that I’ve got issues, but you’re pretty messed up too.
Either way I found out, I’m nothing without you.

[♥ clarice] danced at 12:00 AM