Can we all, really live with “never”?

I’m never gna fall in love again.
I’m never gna trust anyone again.
I’m never gna let my guard down again.
I’m never gna do that again, I’m never gna do this again.

Can we? All these fiery, overwrought yet redundant statements.
We are just but humans, afterall.

Somehow there’s still something in me, something that refuses to let me move forward. I’ve lost that courage to fall. I’m too afraid of getting hurt, so afraid that history will repeat itself, so much so that I’m rooted to the ground, unable to move on. I can’t fall in love.

I miss those times, where I had someone to rely on. Where I could just space out in shopping centres, and then there was someone to hold my hand and guide me on. I can totally lose myself and just focus on enjoying the company of that special someone beside me. I didn’t have to worry about anything because I could trust him to lead me along. But now, I can’t do that anymore. I have to stand strong on my own feet, be alert and responsible for myself at all times, I have to be independent. That is not something difficult for me of course. After all, independence is the only good thing I gained from struggling all these years alone. But I do admit, I get tired sometimes.

At times like these, I feel like I need and want to have someone beside me, someone to rely on, someone to trust. And just when I thought I found a hand to grab on to, fear creeps into me and I get frozen all over. Right after these fearful thoughts simmer down, I sink back into these four walls of mine ; preparing myself to go out there and face the world alone again. Till I get tired. And then the cycle repeats.

It’s children’s day today, not something for me to celebrate anymore ; but it brings me back to the times where I’d receive goodies on this day, the times where life was so carefree and happy.

It’s not that I don’t wanna care, but I’ve been trying in my own little ways. I never bothered you about money. I’m not like you, and you can’t expect everyone to live life your way. There is no point in unnecessary worrying. If you can’t even plan for tomorrow, why should you sit there all day worrying about next year?

Sometimes I get scared about the future too. The uncertainty of the future scares me. Where will I be five years down the road? But somehow over the years, this broken bond feels like something that can’t be fixed anymore. The scars, the pain, the mental torture, I turned out to be my greatest burden. I’m trying so hard now to leave that burden behind and start anew.

And then I’m all grown up already, I’m 21. New responsibilities to take on, having being expected to act like an adult...it’s just so overwhelming.

Still, I’m gna live my life the way I want to before I regret.

Life ain’t that bad right now.