Nights like these…ugly thoughts and fears come throwing themselves at me. I just want to be alone. Can I..? Do I have the right to anymore?

Perhaps all these while, I have been constantly trying to convince myself that I can do this. And perhaps all these while, I have only been deceiving myself. I still hold on to so much fear, fear of the future, the uncertainty of the future. How will I know if I made the right choice? How can I be sure that I will be happy? How can I be sure that this will never end? Truth is, no one can be sure of anything. We can’t even foresee tomorrow, let alone months and years down the road. That’s why I fear. It’s weighing me down way too much, these thoughts. What if one day we come to an end? Will I have to go through the whole torturing process of mending my broken heart once again? Will I have to learn how to love and sync my life with another being again? The weights of all these make me reluctant to go any further. I just wanna be a coward and run away. And it’s nights like these…I feel so damn frustrated with myself. So much so that I can hardly breathe.

Sometimes, I think I try a little too hard to be happy. I get out of bed, put on the happiness mask and go about my life, smiling at people, friends, loved ones, strangers… When the day ends, I return home, take off my mask and curl up in bed. And then I feel it – nothingness, void. I lost the me I used to be. It’s like I’ve gotten so used to putting on the happiness mask in front of people that I forgot it’s existence. I thought I was happy because I was smiling. I thought happiness was defined by the up curves of my lips. I consigned to oblivion that happiness should come from within. I became so reliant on my mask that without it, I can’t help but to feel nothing at all. It’s not as if I feel something with my mask on, it’s just a mask after all…

I still have so many issues. I miss the old me.

Its been almost a good two months since I last posted here. July and August, have been hell of a crazy and tiring two months for me. In fact, for the past 6 months, I have been dancing almost everyday. Tied down to commitments almost every single day, although dance is what I love doing but this is so different. Dance became a routine for me. Schedules to meet every week, choreographies to absorb, remember, and practice. But I can proudly say, it has all paid off.

23rd and 24th August 2013 marks another milestone for SIM DWZ. We had our first ever production DWZ Discover. Right from the start, I joined this production merely because majority of my dance clique is graduating this year and we wanted to dance together in DWZ for the last time. After busying myself with Natasha Recital for a few months, I came back to realize that many things have changed within our clique. We didn’t feel as tight as last time anymore. For the first few weeks, I went to practices half heartedly. And many of times, even though the whole MPH was filled with dancers and laughter, I felt so distant from everyone. It’s as if I went to practices putting up fake smiles, constantly wishing the crawling time would just pick up its pace and move by faster.

However, things got better towards the end. I felt more motivated after our weekly full dress rehearsals. I could slowly see the whole show forming up and coming into place. I knew everyone had to play their part to make this whole thing work. I put my heart into rehearsals and trained hard with everyone else. It wasn’t until the very last day before bump in, Ryan came in to help us. He changed the whole storyline and stabilized the whole show. His pep talk reignited the fire in me and reminded me once again why I was even dancing – this is my passion, this is what I love. He said it only takes one day for a miracle to happen, and one day is all we have. He told us that the worst feeling we wanna have is to cry and regret not having done our best. We have nothing else to lose, just one more day left. We took it, we adapted fast to all the changes and we created a miracle.

Friday – our show was a blast. But no, it’s not over yet. We still have another show the following night. Allegra and Xuehui briefed us on more changes and how to improve, be it lights, steps or props.

Saturday – finally this day came, it was the last night to use whatever we have trained so hard for the past 3 months to put up an awesome show, to create an impact to the audiences, to show them who we are. I remembered what Ryan said, I gave it more than my best, I put 200% into dancing. I will never forget that feeling when I slammed my fists on the floor, ending the closing item and the lights blacked out. I ran back to the changing room, catching my breath and slipping into my production tee clumsily. I walked back out to the side of the stage, waiting for my cue to move out on stage. At that moment, tears just flowed down my cheeks uncontrollably. I cannot explain that feeling. Yes, we did it. We created history. Our first ever production and we did it. It was a success. I felt so proud and grateful that I was given this chance to be part of such a wonderful thing. I’m proud to share the stage with all the other dancers, even though we may not be close, but the cheers and support that we gave each other were just so heartwarming. All the hugs we exchanged, and even a simple word of “jiayou” means so much. We put aside all our differences, helping each other out with quick change and make up, assuring that everything will go smoothly, all with the common goal of making DWZ Discover a great success. At the end of the day, all I can say is, it was all worth it.

We did it guys. Thank you everyone who was part of this journey, for being on this journey together with me. ♥