In 5 days time, I’d be taking the trip of a lifetime. 2 months backpacking in Europe, ain’t this what I’ve always dreamed about? Why the heavy hearted feeling all week?

It has been a horrible week. Panic attacks every night, anxiety, nightmares. Just that night, it was the worst I’ve ever experienced. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, tossing, turning, crying, I couldn’t sleep. I was in a state of fear, fear of what, my own brain cannot even comprehend. Uncertainty, perhaps.

Maybe this is more than just flying off to Europe for 2 months, doing what I have always dreamed of. For some reason, I have this ominous feeling hanging around me that I just can’t shake off. It’s like I have to initiate everything, and you do not have your own plans and decisions. You make me feel so insecure and alone, and I can’t rely on you for that security that I need. With all the financial issues that could have been avoided, I just don’t feel safe and comforted with you around. I need a pillar of strength and you don’t make me feel like you can be one. I feel more like the man of this relationship and I don’t need that. I feel more stressed out when I should actually be feeling happy and excited like when a fat kid sees candy.

Perhaps it is the uncertainty of the future that I fear of. That the only thing I can be sure of is that life is bound to change when I am back. Officially going into adulthood, it is finally time to make my choices. What will I choose, and will it be the right path?

I shouldn’t be worrying too much about the end, when I have not even started. Well, I try to tell myself that all the time.