{danceinastorm}

Please don't look at me like I'm crazy, even if I am.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Whenever I'm upset, how can you just stand and watch from afar? You literally did nothing at all. Like I'm some character from a movie, like I'm some crazy weird stranger on the street, you just stand and stare. Does it amuse you to watch me like this? Did it even occur to you that you're the cause and reason I'm upset? Yet you just chose to do nothing. How can you claim that you care for someone, yet behave this way?

I really don't understand you at all. Claiming you love someone, yet acting the other way round. Then why, why do you want to hold on to someone like that? Because you are selfishly afraid to be alone? I get so tired sometimes, so tired of my own darkness. It is so frustrating to have this darkness hanging around you all the time, yet your partner won't be your pillar of strength, yet your partner just stands and stare every single time you have an episode.

The excuse given? "I don't know what to do." It has happened countless of times throughout 5 years. What do you learn from each episode? Because you're not getting better at all. Do you even learn anything? I don't think so. Like I said, you just go to sleep, and wake up as the same old person the next day. It's like you just forget everything that happened, forget all your mistakes, forget all the tears and time wasted. It's like it all happened for nothing, because you don't learn anything out of it. You don't grow. You're stagnant in your own comfort zone.

I really don't like it. I try real hard to face and fight my demons. Depression is a bitch, and you're not helping really. Sometimes after an episode, I feel so tired I don't even want to get out of bed. And whenever you try to wake me up in the morning, you behave like the same old person again, you behave like as if nothing has happened, I feel sick right away. This sick feeling in my gut, I can't even explain how bad it is. I'm not sure how long you can keep pretending that everything is alright. I'm not sure how long you can pretend like you're not involved in this whole thing, like you're just watching a movie and you refuse to take any action at all.

I'm also not sure how long I can keep pretending that I'm okay. All I need is someone who actually listens to my heart. You don't. You never do. Even after so many episodes, you never once did anything right because you never listened to my needs. If you can't be the support that I need to get better, then maybe I'm really better off alone. Because with you, it just seems that everything is getting worse.

I can't walk away from my demons, but at least I can walk away from you.

[♥ clarice] danced at 10:23 AM