{danceinastorm}

Come clean

Monday, September 10, 2018

Spending almost one year abroad, I think I have never ever felt this alone in 27 years of my life. Back home, even when no one knew the kind of darkness that shrouded me, at least there's people, there's distraction. But there's no one here, there's literally nothing here for me, nothing but me and my own shadow.

Honestly, I thought I could handle it. After all, this was how I was brought up ; taught to handle everything on my own. But no. There's nothing here to keep me sane. All those late night conversations, through beers and cigarettes, hanging out with certain people, even my pets, I come to realize how important they were in keeping me sane. Even if no one understood.

This darkness, I can't really remember when it started, but I attribute it a lot to my childhood days. I wasn't allowed to truly be myself at home. Other than happiness, my parents didn't really like any other negative emotions. I was being taught things like "little bit only cry", and that it was always my fault if I was unhappy about anything that happened at home. They didn't teach me how to solve problems, all they did was to tell me that it wasn't a big deal. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to a grown adult, but it definitely was a big deal to a little kid like me. And anything that was not permitted (like having a boyfriend), those were problems that I was not allowed to have. Therefore, whenever I had problems, either I couldn't talk about it or it wasn't validated at all. I was also treated like I did not deserve any kind of privacy at all. My mum would constantly go through my phone messages and even reading my private diary.

Slowly, I learnt to hide my emotions. To become emotionless. To pretend that everything is okay. I remember all those nights, when I had to wait till everyone is asleep, to cry in silence in my own bedroom. The emotional pain was so real, I took to cutting my wrists. Others called it stupid, I simply called it coping. I was young, I didn't know how to make it stop.

Things got better in the house after I grew up. But I was already poisoned. I never knew anxiety was a thing until recent years. Yes I have anxiety issues. Living in constant fear as a kid, I'm not surprised at all that I have anxiety now. It was never easy. People don't understand depression and anxiety. I've gotten into relationships where guys call me crazy. They don't understand why I feel so much. But I can't help it. Friends can hardly understand. I don't blame them. After all, it wouldn't be easy to understand something you've never been through. People tell me, "Why can't you just be happy?, Why can't you just stop?" I laugh. Yeah, why can't I? Sounded quite simple, doesn't it? Why can't this darkness just go away? Why can't I just wake up one day and actually be okay?

It hurts so bad, hearing this from others, especially from people whom I love. It's depressing really. It makes me hate myself. It makes me question and doubt myself all the time. Yes, I can't. I can't just be happy. Even when I try the hardest to be better, it just doesn't work this way. I can't just make it stop. It also doesn't help when you just push all my buttons again and again, knowing it will make me upset. Don't just ask me to be happy, show me you actually care.

I've yet to find a partner who understands.

>> What is anxiety?

[♥ clarice] danced at 6:18 PM