Wow, its been a week since I blogged. I wonder what I have been doing for the past week.

Now let me touch on FRIDAY THE 13th.
It was just like any other normal day. School ended, went to Al Azhar for lunch with cynthia, hazel and byonghee. It was raining cats and dogs. Therefore, byonghee sent hazel and I home. After he dropped me off, I decided to take a stroll in the rain. Haven’t done that for a long time. It felt so nice, really. [:

When I got home, he suddenly sent me a msg that was so weird. And after that, he went MIA. Yes, MIA. I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I JUST HAVE THIS VERY BAD FEELING. AND IT WON’T GO AWAY. I felt damn uneasy. Opened my barcardi and started drinking. Then I went out in the rain again for the second time. This time, the feeling was totally different ; depressing.

I just couldn’t keep still. My heart just felt so heavy. I couldn’t stay home anymore. Got the permission to stay out, then decided to meet up with clinton. I want to go clubbing, I want to drink. But it was too damn early, so we went to kbox @ cineleisure. Fun. Now what’s next? Clubbing? We did head over to Vivo, but we didn’t end up in st james. We ended up in a cab, destination? Bishan.

I didn’t wna go but clinton kept asking me to. I didn’t wna hurt him. I knew if I went, he would bound to get hurt. I ended up giving in. Guess what? In the cab, byonghee replied. Fuck. Mixed feelings, relieve, anger, confused. I stood at his void deck, wondering what I should do next. Should I look for him? Or should I leave. I just felt like being alone. I’m sorry clinton, thanks for your hug.

“你明明知道他不会自杀，但你还这么关心他”

I felt very stupid, and angry at myself. I let clinton leave. What was I doing?! Why was I so worried?! Afterall, clinton was the one who was always there no matter what. Clinton was the one who was a phone call away. Yet I still hurt him like that. I’m really really sorry.

I suddenly felt the chill in my heart. I’m cold, and freezing out in the rain. And there’s noone there. I needed a hug, I needed someone to warm me. But there’s noone there. Hah, I only have myself to blame. It was me, it was me who chased everyone away. It was me who decided to build up this wall and isolate myself from the world. It was me, who brought this upon myself. Ever since I came back from shanghai, I broke away from jy, broke away from samuel. I just didn’t know how to handle love, thus I made the decision to leave. I never bothered explaining why, I just left. Now I’m stranded all alone, but who am I to complain? I thought I was strong, but still, I’m not made of iron. It hurts, deep inside it hurts. You’re not the only one. I’m hurting too. But I shouldn’t be in love. Yeah, come on. Leave, everyone leave. All the things I love ended up leaving. That’s why I never dared to love again. That’s why now I rather push everyone away from me. I dared not let things get too deep.

Sometimes, looking back, I miss who I was in the past. Someone who had the courage to love. It was always nice to have someone who’s always there for you. The feeling of being in love, the sweet nothings, the moments where two would be lost in their own world. I long for it. But sometimes, when you give up the world for someone, and when that someone leaves, you’d be left with nothing. There’s nothing in me anymore, nothing left. It’s just dark, cold and lonely within these four walls.

Byonghee came to look for me, we went back to his house. Idk why I couldn’t stay mad at him. There was so many things I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to ask, yet I didn’t. That night, it felt so weird. Although I was lying just right beside you, you still felt so far away. You always do.

Clarice is afraid of death. Not upon myself but upon others. Death is so scary it just takes someone away from you, forever. Thank God you’re safe.

who can break down my walls;
clarice