Woke up early in the morning, and I can already feel the prick in my heart. It was so immediate, I wish I could just sleep on for hours, for days, for months ; hoping that one day when I wake up, the ache would no longer be there. My brain, my whole body mentally shut itself down without any warning, I can hardly bring myself to do anything.

After all these years, always hiding myself in that little box of mine, I decided to step out and live life outside my box. He never knew, he never understood. He always said this was the me that he has ever known. First time out in the world, everything being so strange and peculiar to me. Situations I met, now I have to handle it differently, which sometimes led to me being a little awkward. He thinks that I do not appreciate the things he does for me, I do. But being this awkward me, I never really knew how to express my appreciation.

I used to live in a world of my own. Never bothering about what society thinks, never bothering about anyone else around me, not even the closest of kin. I wasn’t filled with the slightest bit of care towards anything at all. My defense was so strong that I never cared about whether others got hurt, I just had to ensure that nobody steps foot into this little box of mine.

Ever since my last break up, everything changed. I met him, and for once in my life, I decided to try to break free from that box. I put myself out there, wanting and trying to care. I got torn apart from trying too hard, but I never stopped trying. Always brimming with hope. Again and again, no matter how many times I fell, I told myself I had to get back up on my feet. For myself, for us. I guess the day I made up my mind to get out of the box, I thought he would always be here beside me. Guess he couldn’t accept me, or I didn’t try hard enough.

Now, I’m like a lost child who can’t find my way back home. Everything around me feels so unfamiliar. I just want to go home, back into that little box of mine. But I can’t find my way. I’m tired, scared and scarred. I don’t know how to move back, or move forward. I threw myself out there just to get ripped apart and abandoned. I lost the hope and spark in me that I no longer know how to retrieve. People always tell me to think positively, yeah. It’s easier said than done. After more than 10 years hiding myself away, I came out, witnessed and experienced the cold, bitter truth of society and humans. I can’t break free from my past that easily, I needed more time. I begged him to stay, I did.

I sit in front of my screen with a heavy heart. I should be doing something else right now. I’ve been pushed over the edge, I lost too many things recently. I no longer want to be that person who’s so trusting, so believing, always so filled with hope and ready to try again. That was what I was willing to do for love. And love failed me, yet again. I lost everything, that meant everything to me. What do I have left? I’m just an empty shell.