Somehow there’s still something in me, something that refuses to let me move forward. I’ve lost that courage to fall. I’m too afraid of getting hurt, so afraid that history will repeat itself, so much so that I’m rooted to the ground, unable to move on. I can’t fall in love.

I miss those times, where I had someone to rely on. Where I could just space out in shopping centres, and then there was someone to hold my hand and guide me on. I can totally lose myself and just focus on enjoying the company of that special someone beside me. I didn’t have to worry about anything because I could trust him to lead me along. But now, I can’t do that anymore. I have to stand strong on my own feet, be alert and responsible for myself at all times, I have to be independent. That is not something difficult for me of course. After all, independence is the only good thing I gained from struggling all these years alone. But I do admit, I get tired sometimes.

At times like these, I feel like I need and want to have someone beside me, someone to rely on, someone to trust. And just when I thought I found a hand to grab on to, fear creeps into me and I get frozen all over. Right after these fearful thoughts simmer down, I sink back into these four walls of mine ; preparing myself to go out there and face the world alone again. Till I get tired. And then the cycle repeats.