Nights like these…ugly thoughts and fears come throwing themselves at me. I just want to be alone. Can I..? Do I have the right to anymore?

Perhaps all these while, I have been constantly trying to convince myself that I can do this. And perhaps all these while, I have only been deceiving myself. I still hold on to so much fear, fear of the future, the uncertainty of the future. How will I know if I made the right choice? How can I be sure that I will be happy? How can I be sure that this will never end? Truth is, no one can be sure of anything. We can’t even foresee tomorrow, let alone months and years down the road. That’s why I fear. It’s weighing me down way too much, these thoughts. What if one day we come to an end? Will I have to go through the whole torturing process of mending my broken heart once again? Will I have to learn how to love and sync my life with another being again? The weights of all these make me reluctant to go any further. I just wanna be a coward and run away. And it’s nights like these…I feel so damn frustrated with myself. So much so that I can hardly breathe.

Sometimes, I think I try a little too hard to be happy. I get out of bed, put on the happiness mask and go about my life, smiling at people, friends, loved ones, strangers… When the day ends, I return home, take off my mask and curl up in bed. And then I feel it – nothingness, void. I lost the me I used to be. It’s like I’ve gotten so used to putting on the happiness mask in front of people that I forgot it’s existence. I thought I was happy because I was smiling. I thought happiness was defined by the up curves of my lips. I consigned to oblivion that happiness should come from within. I became so reliant on my mask that without it, I can’t help but to feel nothing at all. It’s not as if I feel something with my mask on, it’s just a mask after all…

I still have so many issues. I miss the old me.