I seem to be getting worse as the days go by. The demons in me are craving to crawl out again, pulling me back into the deep dark abyss. The all so familiar and overwhelming feeling is back again. What feeling, you ask. It’s okay I’m fine, is all I would say. I can’t pinpoint my feelings, all so mashed up inside of me. I can’t exactly tell you how I feel, because I wouldn’t know where to begin. All I know is that, I’m nowhere near “fine”.

For the past few years I’ve been struggling to mend my wounds, and finally deciding to put myself out there to have a go at friendships once again. I smile and laugh, trying to be happy in front of people, trying to fit in somewhere, trying to find a place where I could belong. But recently, I just feel so messed up. Maybe something pulled the trigger, causing all these negative feelings that I have suppressed for so long to come crashing back at me again. I feel so isolated ; I sit in my own bubble and watch as the world moves along without me. Then it struck me. I’m tired. I’m tired of constantly chasing after people. And when I run away, I turn back only to find nobody. Nobody chasing after me.

& I just don’t have enough faith to keep trying anymore.

I dread recital pracs because I just don’t feel like putting on a fake smile anymore. I don’t wish to smile anymore. People can just think I’m unfriendly, anti-social and weird for all they want. People who judge before taking the time to understand me, won’t matter to me anyway.